What do you do when a situation is the most positive of experiences, but your not equipped to deal with spot light or praise?
I’ve mentally beat myself up for so many years now that I don’t know any different.
I recently attended an awards ceremony where I was one of three nominees for an award that evening.
When I got the call I was happy, but not overly joyed, some friends and family said I should have been ‘overjoyed’ ‘ecstatic’ ‘over the moon’ etc.. but really, it was just ‘OK’.
I put the phone down , told my fiancée who was very pleased and carried on with what I was doing. That was normal for me, don’t get to happy, don’t get too down… Try to stay level. If I get excited, I’ll panic if I get sad, I’ll think and panic. So my place has been in the middle which kind of makes me wonder: Am I boring? Am I really living? Or just getting by? Does my fiancée think these things bout me?! She has recently mentioned that I seem very grumpy and quiet .. Ohh Fuck!!! Not what you really want to hear, but accepted and I’m working on it. It really isn’t meant.
Anyway, I took my best mate to the awards evening as my fiancée was stuck at work. To explain a little, my mate is a positive person, he’s like a real life Peter Pan, he will never ever go a day without laughter! And will do his best to brighten up the darkest of situations, a good man and a dear friend. Continue reading
First of all, apologies as I haven’t written a blog for a while. It’s down to a few reasons, work family also, I have been reading a few blogs and social media (tweets, Facebook posts) .
Everybody has their own unique way of writing and telling their stories which is amazing, it’s really helpful and takes some bottle to really open up and tell all, I have total respect to you all and thank you.
While reading them, I can see myself in most but also get why there is this stigma (which is bollocks). I tried to read from a neutral point of view and read every word as though I’d never struggled with anxiety attacks and mental health issues due to them. The words , the sentences they seem fictional!! Even though I know that they are 100% true, a ‘normal’ person reading them will think that we are lying. But why would people make things up? I write not to scare sufferers, I do not lie, I just want to let people know that it is ok, EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT!! I’m willing to tell you what goes on in my head and my life to try and help if you want to talk about or read it.
The help is great, can’t fault the blogs, however I’m going to talk about an incident, one like no other has made me think about people and my mental illness.
During the years, I must admit…. Even though the panic/anxiety has been crippling and I would not wish it upon my worst enemy, there have been some stories to tell. I cringed at the time, but when we (I mean close friends and family) talk about it them, laughter comes of it.
Which can only be good?
When I was about 25, the attacks were in full flow, I could not be left alone , never!! As you know , I was desperate , dependant on everyone and anyone. Selfishly struggling through that part of my life.
Giving in can be a hard option. I’ve read a load of quotes paragraphs even heard people say that ‘quitting is an easy way out’
I don’t see it that way at times, I think some people jump on a bandwagon and without thinking of what is being quoted to them, they go with it. It instantly takes away that argument that you have with yourself when questioning something, which is in fact ‘the easy option’.
The amount of happy, friendly, enjoyable environments I have taken myself out of because of quitting is no ones business, but I’ve felt far worse for doing so let me tell you.
What is ‘Normal’ ?
Is it the way in which a person who is more outspoken than another saying how you should live your life?
Telling you how you should react to certain circumstances, situations or aspects of life?
It could even be in the way that you eat your food!
I have seen Indian families eat curry and rice with their bare hands, no cutlery in sight. Chinese families eat with chopsticks. British families eat with cutlery…. But still, it’s just eating food. We all need it to live.
So who or what is ‘Normal’ in those instances then?
We all do what we can to survive, all differently but for one thing.
This was written by someone very close to me who lives with mental illness. I see what it’s like for them to develop anxiety and panic just because they have to go out the door or when it comes time to write an email. I see first hand how isolating mental illness can be, by family and friends and themselves…like they say, it’s lost freedom.
People need to know living with mental illness IS NOT a choice.
Interview by Samina Raza
December 28, 2014
I had the great pleasure of interviewing Clint Malarchuk, NHL goalie, NHL coach, cowboy, horse dentist and now author of his first book “A Matter of Inches”, the title refers to the bullet in his head, as well as the skate that was actually a few millimeters from his carotid artery! This man is indestructible, thank goodness, knock on wood!
He suffered from OCD, horrible anxiety, depression, alcohol abuse, and finally PTSD because of a horrific hockey injury to his neck. Even dealing with all those mental illnesses, he became a great goalie, playing for, among others, the Buffalo Sabres. And then an NHL coach. While battling his demons and alcohol addiction, he put a bullet in his head and survived with no side effects! His book is a tour de force of honesty, truth and a no holds barred description of his life, good or bad, he put it all to paper. The book is a must read.
Written by Sarah Fader
I’m Sarah Fader, a mother of two, a blogger, an animal lover and I am living with panic disorder. What this is means is that sometimes, out of nowhere, I feel what is known as “fight or flight.” There is a seemingly imminent threat, when in actuality I am completely safe. Panic is a funny thing. I’ve laid in bed awaiting sleep and all at once I would feel a pain in my cervical spine. The pain would trigger a automatic thought in my mind: I am dying.
One experience in my journey through this mental illness is probably the most difficult to explain.
I do not know if anyone can relate (please comment if you do) but I’m sure there are millions out there who have. Is that feeling just when you feel that sensation of a big bad panic/anxiety attack nothing at all seems to be real, everything stops while you mutter the words ‘Ohh Fuck’. What can save me???? I don’t know if that makes sense, but I will hold on to anything or anyone physically grip it/them and I cannot let go!
Personal Ways I Cope – HOBBIES
To Help Me With My Panic Attacks About Death, I have found over the years hobbies / projects that help me cope also along with the page “panic attacks – coping”.